Gunnerrific

In the wake of Tottenham’s unfortunate, lucky, and regrettable 2-1 victory over Arsenal, they have released a number of products to both memorialize their efforts and squeeze everything they can out of their fan base. I didn’t know Spurs fans had money to spend outside of fish and chips and terrible beer.

Below I have gathered some of the amazing products that you can purchase from Tottenham. I don’t know why you would ever want to see these terrible things, but it’s fun to see what sort of stupid goods our rival’s product managers are creating…

An Unforgettable Night DVD

Entitled ‘An Unforgettable Night’, this entirely forgettable DVD is a direct HD transfer of the game broadcast. It features absolutely no extras, no commentary, and no analysis, because frankly they just didn’t have the time, money, or knowledge to pull that sort of thing off. If you enjoy watching approximately 30,000 blithering idiots yell like cavemen then this DVD is for you.

The center point of the match is a wonderfully lucky one-time volley from a debut player named Danny Rose. Remember that name, as you are likely to never hear it again. Never, ever, again.

Witness a miracle that takes place once every 11 years, less frequent than a lunar eclipse, in this jam packed DVD full of… one match? Well at least it is only… wait £9.99? Seriously?

Tottenham Memorial Tea Towels

Every once in awhile a man needs a tea towel. I don’t know why anyone would, but they just do. Why would somebody use a normal tea towel when they could dry things in Spurs’ style?

To solve this eternal problem, you can now buy a Tottenham Memorial Tea Towel set that commemorates Tottenham’s once every decade win over Arsenal at White Hart Lane. If you don’t know what to use the tea towels for, you can wear them over your face, like a bag, in the style of Gareth Bale.

Buy now and you get an oven mitt so you won’t keep burning your hands when you heat that microwavable pizza!

Rubber Ducky

We all know that Tottenham supporters don’t know how to operate showers. Fortunately, most Spurs fans at least know how to draw a bath. However, it’s difficult to entice that very same person to actually get in the bath. That’s why Tottenham has finally introduced a new line of Rubber Duckies.

This little yellow rubber ducky can’t actually think or see, so it will be a perfect companion for any Tottenham supporter. Wearing a Spurs kit though, it has developed a deep feeling of embarrassment about itself.

This particular model is an exact replica of Danny Rose’s first rubber ducky, which he still uses to this day.

Lasagna Tin

Tottenham’s new line of Lasagna tins are perfect for cooking up big heeping helpings of cheap, overcooked Lasagna. Never again will a Spurs fan need to buy microwavable lasagna… its time to cook in style using an oven! Now you can celebrate the 2-1 victory over Arsenal while watching the game on the new DVD and eating some lasagna!

These new Lasagna Tins contain 50% less toxic chemicals than our previous line. As a result, Tottenham can guarantee that people will get sick 50% less of the time then the previous model when using them.

Twitch Suppressant

Twitchers rejoice! After beating Tottenham, Harry Redknapp revealed his new line of Twitch Suppressant pills. These new pills will help stave off those annoying twitches that Tottenham fans may feel when they get nervous, lose games, or become resentful about their club (pretty much all the time).

In addition, these Twitch Suppressants have an added bonus in certain… male… areas. To compensate for the lack of twitching, this medication guarantees that male users will last 25% longer in bed. If effects last for longer than 4 hours, don’t bother calling a doctor. It’s already too late.

Well that’s it for the new Tottenham Hotspur ‘Unforgettable Night’ Memorial-Commemorative Decade-long-home-win-over-Arsenal line. I can’t wait to see what Arsenal is going to come up with to cheer up all of us Gooners.